It's only Day 8?!!

Thursday, April 23, 2009 6:30 PM, EDT
Day 8: Wow! it feels much longer and much more than 8 treatments, but that's okay! Today was a great day!

My mouth is filled with sores lining the outside edges of my tongue, under my tongue and down throughout my throat and one hurting lymph node! But I had energy! I got up, enjoyed some time in the early hours of the morning (yes, early hrs~5am) with Joey and shortly after Jessie and my mom as well. Was a nice morning~had to explain to the kids that Mommy might be doing some of her own sign language when hurts too much to talk~but they understand babble better than anyone so we were good!;-) A little emotional string was tugged when I spoke up enough to let my family know I could not talk much and when I do it's slurred and doesn't sound like me~and then hearing myself felt like I was listening to a stranger within, but shed the couple of tears and enjoyed the day NO MATTER WHAT!

My left lymph node in the groin area hurts quite a bit after treatment yesterday and today making it tough to walk (I might be a bit slower now Wanda and Nellie if ya wanna go walking~just teasin'. Love ya) The day was good. My sister and my nieces came to visit along with with my Aunt Laurie and Aunt Tammy (two of my mom's sisters) and I cannot forget my cousin, Katie who entertained the kids alllllll day! "Are you tuckered out, Katie Girl?" Love you and thank you for that~the kids adore you;-)

It was no accident that I felt well today walking into treatment. The older gentleman that is usually there at the same time as me came in and sat down. He asked how I was and of course in return I asked how he was -there are no "I'm good", "fine thanks" or responses of the sort (unless of course we truly are-we are cancer patients feeling something new and annoying, frightening and nauseating every other day, so there is no need to mask it or try and hide it). He responded with "I feel like shit, oh sorry,  I feel awful." Well, that's another thing I'm learning about cancer~you do not have to apologize for feeling like "shit". If that's how you feel, then you say it. If you feel "awful" you say "awful". To some there is a difference.  Anyhow, I told him to certainly not apologize~I'm not easily offended and to share with brutal honesty. I had noticed yesterday he was not in the waiting area for patients where we usually meet and chat and thought "maybe he's done or hasn't gotten here yet" before I went in and perhaps we missed each other. Well, today was no accident that he arrived in the nick of time before I was called into treatment. Because when he told me how he was feeling he also stated that he didn't come into yesterday's appointment b/c he is feeling awful, nausea, chills and wiped out. So of course I could sympathize and also had been battling this just a day ago~but then I was called in so left him with a sincere "'hope you feel better real soon"'. As I was laying on the table during treatment I thought to my self "not missing a treatment is crucial, even when you are sick and can't or don't want to do it even one more day~ you've got to get there!" And reminded myself that this was a commitment that I made from the beginning~to be at every appointment NO MATTER WHAT! That's easy to say when getting there is still bearable and you have someone driving you everyday...and then I wondered "does he even have someone who drives him to his treatments or does he drive himself? Does he even have a support group, a support person or anyone at all?"  I prayed that he would still be there when I walked back out to change and he was! Again, no accident!   So before I left I asked "do you drive yourself to treatment or does someone drive you?" Of course I was hoping that the answer would be, "oh, no, someone drives me."  But it wasn't. He drives himself to and from treatments so yesterday when he wasn't feeling well enough to drive he just didn't go. So, I just put it out there "look, I have a big enough support group that does not need to be with me all the time and can certainly be shared so if you ever need a ride you let me know and we will get you here. Hope you feel better real soon and I will see you tomorrow."  I hope I didn't just add too much to my family's plate because I am already a handful! We shall see...I want to make sure this man does not miss his treatments and I hope my family forgives me for offering their services to another as though they aren't burdened enough with me. But that is another commitment I made from the beginning and that is to Pay It Forward and let His will be done!