The last one for awhile...

This was the last entry that I was able to write before the "it can't get much worse", got worse.  However, since surgery I have had some familiar and not so friendly reminders of this time, as my body is either rejecting or simply working overtime to repair itself. Either way it lead me back to these entries and left me with more of a willingness to share.  It's helped me to put my current situation into perspective but more thank anything it has opened my eyes to the ways the Lord has revealed Himself to me and through me and when I am asked, "do you have any regrets?" I can say with conviction, "absolutely not! My life may be full of pain and suffering, but never before have I been more blessed!" Draw nearer to Him.  Letting go is not giving up, it's letting God and I am finding letting God is a lot easier than striving to do it on my own:-)

Thursday May 7, 2009~
 Radiation has started to effect my bladder and urethra which means constant frequency to go pee (my middle school friends will remember this reference~I really could use those depends~LOL). I had another shaking/chills attack 2 nights ago. This one was a little different~left a tingling sensation in my legs making it hard to move them which caused some internal anxiety (something that has begun to feel like a norm b/c I often find my mind wandering to the 'what if's' and all the unknowns of how my body will heal and function after treatment). So, once I snapped out of that exhausting moment I was able to eat some noodle soup and raisin toast. I wish I could say I slept good but the having to get up so often to go to the bathroom doesn't really qualify as a good night to me.  Not sure what the other reason is right now for being up but it's 1:30am Friday morning and I'm not sleeping! Sometimes I just want to sleep through all of this!

Well, today I spent the day with my girls~ Miss Anna Ruby and Lily-Bug. They took me to treatment which took extra long today. I met with the nurses and my doctor today briefly about the infection that they are treating me for. Because of the effects radiation is starting to have on all my organs in that area we are keeping a close eye on skin irritations, urinating issues etc...on Monday I had a urine test done which came back positive for infection~treating it as an UTI. Also had an internal exam~was not quite as bad as I was sweating it would be. From the internal exam the doctor believes that the tumor has shrunk about 25% in width. It's still the same in length, which is basically u-shaped and so close to the urethra that as we narrow in on the field of radiation there will likely be more effects to the urethra and bladder but my doctor and nurses are working right beside me every step, every infection and every process of the way! So no matter the discomfort or pain that comes and goes I feel secure in the hands, expertise and compassion of my medical team~no doubt in my mind a heavenly intervention:-)

Today during treatment I started on my back and Dr. Jones narrowed in on some fields dealing with my lymph nodes in my groin.  He said that my left lymph node is smaller which means that it's responding to treatment. He also mentioned that during our next meeting on next Tuesday we will be setting up an MRI to see how effective treatment has been so far on the tumor and hopefully other areas. After I finished treatment on my lymph nodes I flipped over to my new position on my stomach (where I will be for the next 8 treatments). This is a lot less comfortable and a little concerned how it's going to work after I have the pump hooked back up to the medi-port on Monday~but I have a great team so I rest assured we can rig up something to get me through a little more comfortably.


I was finally given a burn cream to apply to all of 'down there', from front to back, where the skin has broken down and opened up. It's not only "sunburned" but opened up and sore, so now it's like I'm applying frosting to my less appealing areas on my body, but it seems to be working and helping with the soreness and stinging itchiness. I am just trying to keep up my strength and keep my anxiety at bay for my next round of Chemo. Oh ya and for all those who thought I might get away w/o losing my hair, it has started to thin...lost some today...and that too I will take one day at a time. I'm not great, but I'm okay.  And after reading the book of Job in my Bible and was reminded of the trials that the Lord put him to the test with, I was reassured of His promises and reminded that He works for the good of those who love Him...and Job... there's an amazing person and an amazing story!