"Mumma, sometimes I wonder..."

So we were on our way to a Family Fun Festival Weekend put on by Pathway Vineyard Church and Christian School the other day and my son said "I have a strange question. Is God real? Mumma, sometimes I wonder if God is real." Inside my head "oh no! That is not a strange question that is just a HARD one! Come on Kylee! You can do this!...please Lord, help me out here...what do I say so he will be convinced?!" And immediately (mind you, this is happening in milliseconds~is there such a thing?) God intervened..."Whoa! Tighten those lips for one second because I know what you are thinking. That if you say the wrong thing he won't believe and if you say the right thing, he will, and of course you want nothing more than for him to believe! But, whose job is that?"

Lately God has been speaking quite directly and sternly to me...gulp...I had to stop my racing mind as I frantically tried to come up with an answer that would confirm in my son's heart, without a doubt, that there is a God! And God simply but firmly said "oh no you don't, that is my job! And who can change a another's heart but me?" And right then and there (the grip is getting looser) I LET IT GO and LET GOD! And I said honestly from one person to another who used to have the same strange question, " that's not a strange question, sweetie. It's not easy believing in something or someone you can't see or hear like you can see and hear Mommy or Daddy or Jessie. Mommy used to wonder the same thing and one day it all changed. And all I can do is share with you how I know God is real and hope that one day you will know it in your heart as well. Lots of people struggle with this. It's okay. Mommy will pray for you and for God to reveal himself to you when He is ready. But for now we can look around us and see what would indicate that God is real from what we know the Bible says and as you grow you will see new and different ways of knowing God is real." And he said "okay, I just wonder sometimes." Phew! Wasn't as hard as I thought it was~the letting go and letting God, that is;-)

It can be very hard to believe in something or someone that you can't see or hold physically and I am learning that that kind of belief comes with lots of hard work doing what the Bible says and it comes with maturity and growth. I think naturally it's easier for some of us than others. Although I am not the one who can convince him, I could definitely give him examples of how we know God is real and God gave me lots of things to point out to my son this weekend. Like, "do you think it was a coincidence that of all nights to have fireworks for so many people, the grass was wet w/o it even having to rain which resulted in keeping the men doing it and all the spectators safe?" or "do you remember when you were faced with the temptation of having a piece of candy and you said 'no, I'm not going to have that' even though I wasn't there to say no for you and you told me how hard it was to do that" or "what about when Jake (our dog) ran out into the road and the car stopped within seconds of hitting him?" or "like when we were walking by Auntie Tracy's house and she invited us in to see Will when we weren't expecting to? And you got to hold him for the very first time. These are all acts of God, Joe"...

And then this morning when Pastor Phil spoke about "if there is a God, why are there so many troubles in the world and sick people dying everyday"~my memories scrolled back to a time laying next to my son in bed and he asked, "but Mommy, if God is real and we keep praying for Him to take your cancer away, why do you still have cancer?" And God showed up again only a day later confirming that I did the right thing by simply answering my son's question w/o trying to convince him. But also in the meantime I can be showing him the brokenness in the world and keep showing him good godly people, practicing godly living and letting him see for himself how that feels. I am confident that he will make mistakes. But I am even more confident that he will find the real God while he;s learning from them. And so I will continue to remind him daily of all the good things that have come from me having cancer and the people it has helped in different ways and that because of God "Mommy, is keepin on!"

I probably still said too much for a 7 yr old boy, but hey like I said, I'm living and I'm LEARNING! And we went on to have an amazing weekend, with good people, in a good place and when we asked each other at dinner after we prayed (which he was faithful about doing~thank you Lord:-) what we each liked best about the weekend, it all came down to "that we were all together"...and my favorite part was not just that we were all together, but "Daddy was there!" He wasn't just there, he was there! He wasn't rushing off to do a job left undone at home or trying to escape the uneasiness of being anywhere but where he is used to~ home and work. Nope, instead he stayed. He watched. He listened. He helped out. He sat with friends. He spent time with his son, he held his daughter and he stood with me while I raised my hand for the very first time in front of hundreds of people, singing, praying and worshiping my Savior...and I wonder, did He become his today, too? But, since it's not my job to do all the convincing and changing of hearts, I will continue to pray that God was, is and always will be the one in control of changing hearts. Oh, God is GOOD! Naaahhh, God is AWESOME!