Are you ready? I AM!

So, I used to think I was a girl all about the details...and as I thought, so I was. Until, one day someone told me I have cancer. Huh? So, where does that fit into my life full of two kids, a husband, wonderful family and amazing friends? Well, apparently it's found it's place not once but twice right smack in the middle of my life, both times at a point in my life when the details were finally losing their grip on me and I was accepting life and all it had to offer for exactly what it is and nothing more and living!

After barely surviving (at least that's how it felt every single day for months) the chemo and radiation from my first diagnosis, and only being 9 months after my last day of treatment and only 6 months of being drug free, I was told it had spread to my liver. "How have you been feeling?" "I have been playing hockey! I feel great! Why?" "There is a spot on your liver that has raised concern and should be biopsied".....and..."it's cancer."

And so God moved mountains, put my mom to work on research and fundraising and I was off to Hawaii for alternative healing...and then the pain...oh my! The pain! Some would chuckle when I would say "I have never been in this much pain." Their response, "really?", as though questioning if I had already forgotten what I had just been through not even a year earlier. Nope, I hadn't forgotten. I really had never felt this kind of pain before. So, I marched myself into the ER to get a CT scan to see what was causing this pain that had me keeled over for days unable to eat (I would be lying if I said I cared because even in as much pain as I was in, I welcomed the break from forcing myself to eat the same thing again and again and again) but when I stood on the scales after losing 15lbs I was determined to once again shovel in the oatmeal, push down the potatoes and chew and chew and chew the salad and slurp down the soup...oh yes, back to the ER, so the pain was like none other I had ever felt. "Would you like something for the pain?", "can I get you something for the pain?", "I will be right back with something for the pain." "No, really I am good. Nothing for the pain, just give me some answers so I can know what I need to do from here." I had been on pain medication and remembered the pain of coming off them much too vividly...and besides I had worked too hard ridding my body of toxins to let even this pain allow me to resort to the medicinal world~God was keeping an eye on my pain and he knows my suffering...I held onto His promise not to harm me or give me more than I could handle at this time.

Okay...no blood clot, inflammation in the intestines and a tumor 4cm..."okay, tell me something I don't know...wait, did you say 4cm?!" Well, that couldn't be right, it was just 1.9cm 2 months ago. Well, I am learning that I can be positive and I can have hope and I can believe but what's there is there (even though, it's still only what the doctors see and say~God is still the great physician and He will be the one who makes the final call:-). I won't lie, I was thrown back by the fact that the tumor had grown. But, ok, I just keep going with therapy. Things often get worse before they get better. Reminding myself as I lay on the floor during my "coffee breaks" that the Lord has promised me that I will not die, but live! And so I kept on.

I got to a point where I had to really access the pain. What is causing this pain?! I tried adjusting the therapy. I tried stopping the therapy. I even thought, could the tumor be causing the pain? "No, my liver is over here and the tumor is there." I will keep on and on Sept 13, 2010 I will seek some answers until I find them. I did not have to seek far. I explained the pain that I had been having and the weight loss that was evident and before I even knew the results of the test, I knew the doctor was putting what he knew from the scan and what I was telling him together. Once again I sensed that it wasn't going to be the exciting news I had thought it would be but I had no idea I would be hearing the words he spoke as bluntly as it gets, "You are dying of anal cancer, where your cancer originated and spread to your liver and it's growing fast"...."well, okay, and so what exactly does that mean?" Because I know he said I am dying, but you see since I have come to know Jesus the one who died for me, I have never felt more alive! I know I heard the word chemo and I remember shaking my head "NO!". And I believe this is where he decided that if he is going to have anything to do with saving my life or at least prolonging it he must be blunt. Oh, if he only knew I am already saved, but yes I would like to hear what you believe my best options are for sticking around a little longer for my children's sake...I wish I could remember what was said after this point but honestly all I remember are the flashbacks of the side effects of what I did hear, 'chemo', 'radiation' and 'surgery'...and the side effects that I still live with and the intimacy my husband and I have lost...

So, the tumor is now 6.7cm and I will be heading to Lahey Clinic on Thursday to discuss the tumor, whether I need another biopsy of what could be an affected lymph node behind the liver, opinions and course of treatment. This is an aggressive tumor as was the other one and so it will need to be treated aggressively as was my last one. Although I did not respond well to treatment, the previous tumor did and so the doctor was hopeful that this one would as well. Well, while he hopes for that, I will be praying and hoping that God shows up and claims victory over it and over any remaining disease that could be there!

God has been showing up a lot lately! I just love how He pops in from time to time and says "um, hello, Kylee. I'm right here and yes, that which prompted this person or this verse or this peace to come to you, was I." Oh, how I love Him! And I end tonight praying Psalm 118 (thank you Michele and Colleen~praise God!).

Dear Lord,
I know you are good. I know you are holy. Father, the confusion often swarms around me like bees, surrounds me on every side. I feel as though I have been pushed back and as though I am falling, but YOU, LORD will help me! Your hand has done MIGHTY things. I will raise my hands and open my heart to you, O, Lord! I am letting go, Father, and you know how hard this is for me to do, but I am letting go and I am letting YOU! I am letting you! You are my God and I will give you thanks! You are my God and I will exalt you! What can man do to me?! You are with me; I will not be afraid. You have made me strong and courageous and by your stripes I am healed. Yes, Lord! You are the Lord of ALL healing! In Jesus' name I pray. AMEN