Waiting Upon the Lord is Hard Work!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

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I have never been one to like waiting (who does, really?). I'll be honest I have never been a patient person. And if I have ever appeared to be patient from the outside, trust me, my insides were screaming, "come on! hurry up! I want this now!"

As I walked out of my doctor's appointment I was thinking how in the world am I going to reach all the people that are waiting to hear the verdict. ("But, Lord, help me to do just that. You have blessed me with so many who care and I will not ever take that for granted!") I can text some, I can call others, and I can write it in my blog...oh ya, my blog! But, oh the pressure! I know what happened in that room today but how do I write it all? Where do I start? And then like He so often does (when we are listening) God spoke, "start from the beginning, Kylee."

So, "in the beginning God created the heavens and the earth"...and how ironic that this is my son's scripture this week...ironic? NO! A God sign? YES!...and no, I am not going to rewrite Genesis, but I am going to start from the beginning and that is with God!

You see, although I know God is with me, and I know God is good...the enemy had started to plant a seed of doubt from the moment that the pain began. He wanted me to believe that what I was doing was not the right thing to be doing, that it was causing me pain, making me question, "why did God move mountains to get me to Hawaii, why did He change lives in the process, why did He make all this information attainable and give my mother the conviction to move forward so fiercely in it?" I began to really question if I was doing God's will by refusing surgery from the beginning or if I had turned to something else above God for healing or if I was really just too scared to do what had nearly killed me before while trying to convince myself of something, anything but more toxins or cutting my body open. Even after taking a break from therapy to see if that was in any way causing the pain, I kept feeling an urge to do therapy, to stick with it and not to give up on it. Then the pain would come on and I would not be able to even focus beyond it. And I would begin to question God again, praying for Him to reveal himself and His will for me. However, I did not feel an urge or anything pushing me to do surgery (except from those who do not understand God or know Him the way I have gotten to know Him and even from some who do, but were just scared for me) or anything but simply what I was doing and that was waiting. I know many people questioned my waiting. Whether it was my waiting to remove the tumor, waiting to resume therapy or seek other alternatives or advice elsewhere. I turned to God a thousand times in one day and the only thing He gave me was, "just keep on, just keep on, it's going to be OK, it's going to be OK." I prayed and I prayed over and over, "Lord, PLEASE! Reveal to me someway, somehow what is causing this pain and if the path I have chosen is the wrong one, so that I can get back on the right one. Did I make a mistake, Father? Would it have been better, easier, the best thing to have just agreed to surgery when the tumor was only 1.9cm?" And I am telling you, with witnesses to attest and a recorder to play over and over and over again (I will because like I said before, I tend to go overboard with things), God came in the form of a doctor and spoke "it is reasonable what you did, waiting and watching. As a matter of fact it's what I would have suggested had I seen you first." (God sign ~He speaks!) I know to many of you this would just be a good doctor giving his opinion. But I must add that I NEVER told him that I had even for a second doubted my refusal of surgery the first time the tumor grew~we hardly spoke of my therapy and no indication of what I felt or perhaps thought was made. And there was no discussion of what my prayers have been asking or what my conversations with God have been about. So, you see, what I had been praying for in the private of my own room, in my own head and my own heart, that was only shared in intimate moments between God and I, was ANSWERED! (God sign~He answers!) And I will repeat, they came from a man right here on earth, but God spoke through him and answered my questions and many prayers! He went on to say (this is quoted from my recording), "this affects me very much because I have 3 daughters your age, any of which could be sitting here and if you were my daughter, this is clearly a situation you would have surgery for. Would I have told you that back 3 months ago? I would probably have wanted you to wait just as you did because in that time period what you're trying to do is make sure that there aren't other things that are popping up, so by going through that period of time, even though it's relatively bigger, it's isolated, that gives me and should give all of us a bit more comfort, so you didn't lose anything by taking your time. As a matter of fact that's what we do with certain tumors such as this (and here's the best part where God really makes Himself clear) IN FACT I WOULD HAVE INSISTED THAT YOU TAKE THE TIME!" And that's exactly what I did! Scared to death, afraid of the unknown, I prayed and I followed all of God's signs and I waited and I waited some more and because I waited I am able to share "the Good News"! Oh God, I give you ALL the glory!

And so, after a sigh of relief, God confirmed that yes indeed by waiting upon Him, I have been doing His will, He does answer prayers and He is the Great Physician!

As for the pain that I have been having, Dr. Jenkins said that in all the cases he has had with liver tumors located on the left lobe, it is common to have pain exactly where I described it and it would hurt when I breathe because of where the diaphragm is located and the pain around this area even reaching the left shoulder, is referred pain. He made it all make sense~finally! It was all starting to make sense! The pain originated exactly where my biopsy was, at my tumor site! He also stated that we can assume this tumor is from my original tumor. That there were likely cells floating around that did not show up or somehow escaped the nasty chemo killing poison and slowly grew and it is very common for them to show up in the liver. The tumor's location on the left lobe is the smallest part of the liver and therefore the easier side to operate on. I am a perfect candidate for a possible cure! And God says "didn't I tell you, you will live and not die!" Oh, ye of little faith;-) Not really, but at times it seemed to fit my emotional status.

He was one of few doctors who will speak of nutrition and their beliefs and views on today's health and diseases being linked to what we eat, breathe and drink. But he did and his beliefs and knowledge that he has gathered lined right up with ours. So, now we are gearing up for the next part of the plan and that involves fattening me up!!! I can eat! I can eat! Well, I could always eat but I can eat more things that I like! I even went to Olive Garden on our way home!! Don't get me wrong!! I am not leaving my organic, rawsome adventure! I have come too far and gained far too much and shed too many old ways to go back, but for the next two weeks I will be focusing on bulking up and walking to keep my muscle mass up as much as possible. Surgery is suggested soon but he gave me the option of choosing when in case there was anything coming up that I needed to take care of. "Well, ya, actually I have some celebrating to do with my kids and some other special people in my life, so call me after that."

It's looking like we will be heading back to Lahey Clinic very soon after the 25th of this month. I will begin the procedure by having an MRI the day before surgery right there at the clinic. Then be admitted the following day and assuming all goes well (and it will) I stay for a week and then come home to recover and get on with my life! The surgery takes 2-3 hours so like the doctor said it will be easy for me because I will be resting and no doubt in God's hands, but for my family waiting outside the doors it will be a bit nerve racking and long, so we will continue to keep them in our prayers and giving love and support to them. I do not lack for family, friends, love and support and I have every intention of sharing God's riches!

I will be starting physical therapy once home and recovered, as well as continuing in my alternative therapy moderately. Dr. Jenkins and my family are confident in what will be taking place~a possible outcome of a cure. There will always be nagging thoughts of the cancer coming back, reminders of all the work that lies ahead in dealing with long term side affects still from the first treatment, but I have a good chance of being cancer free this time! And to think that waiting lessened my chances of survival, when waiting was the best thing I could have done! Praise You LORD! To know that you are always at work on my behalf, leaves me speechless and forever thankful. Forgive me for allowing the enemy to plant any doubt or confusion! I will praise your name O' Lord! For it is so so good! For you have delivered me from my troubles! And my eyes have looked in triumph on my foes! (Psalms 54) In Jesus' name I pray, AMEN!


Poulins said...

"I will go before you
and will level the mountains;
I will break down gates of bronze
and cut through bars of iron.
I will give you the treasures of
riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the Lord,
the God of Israel who summons you by name."
~Isaiah 45:2-3

He's with you, Kylee! He's leveling those mountains and breaking down the gates. Amen!!

Anonymous said...

Oh Kylee, this is such wonderful news! What a blessing for you and your family. Is Dr Jenkins doing the surgery, or another surgeon? I will be sending you positive thoughts and prayers. I love you. Stay strong!

GodSaves~Keepin' On said...

Yes, Dr. Roger Jenkins is the one performing surgery. Love to you too!