Tuesday, September 21, 2010

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Dear Lord,
Help me to develop spiritual perseverance. Do not let me shrink back because of what someone might think or how someone might feel because of my excitement in you! You know my heart and you know that I only want good for your people. So, today I will let your light shine through me Lord! It is by you, in you and for you that I walk in peace, with my head held high, claiming YOUR hand upon me and the reason for the bounce in my step and the joy in my heart! Thank you Jesus! For by your stripes we are healed. So help those of us who stumble upon doubt, stumble no more! But stand in full armor of you and your word! And KNOW that you are LORD! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

It feels more like years that have separated this week from last week! And that my friends, is a GOD THING! I cannot believe the convictions He is placing upon my heart...wait! Yes I can! and yes I do! Although I think to myself, "how could I ever doubt Him, why did I?" I can't be exactly sure of the moments when doubt would creep in and when the "whys" started coming but I can tell you the reason it did.

I have always had a tendency or perhaps an addiction, maybe just an unawareness of being consumed. There have been many times I have been so consumed by something or someone else. And even though I like to consume myself with good things, good people and healthy activities (well, not always good and healthy, but I can only go so far back when moving forward has been such a whirlwind) I would begin to feel incomplete, unsatisfied, not content...I would feel frustrated. "Why, if I am doing all the right things and even what God says I am to do, according to His word and His grace, why do I feel so out of sync? Why do I keep feeling like I am hitting a brick wall?"

Well, today He revealed to me, that even when consumed by Him, I have felt unsatisfied. But why?! how?! Because I had not been declaring His work in my life the way I am feeling it! I have been too worried about what people might think or say! Really?! Well, humility is not usually a pleasant feeling but let me tell you when it's coming from the Lord, you'd be wise to take heart and listen and be humbled, my friends! Be humbled! Because this Lord of all Lords, has been tearing down some pretty thick walls of mine and they are crashing down all around me! The chains are breaking one by one! I am not dying! I am coming alive! So, if you wonder about a personality disorder from time to time~rest assured that it's just God in the process of doing some of his own surgery~reconstructive surgery of my spiritual heart and soul. I welcome humility in the eyes of the Lord because it is showing me what true abundance in life is and how He wants nothing more than for us to live a full, abundant life full of joy and peace, and prosperity. You will need to turn to His word to see what that really means for you. Because I am not talking about an abundance of anything of monetary value! Oh, how glorious is He who binds up the brokenhearted, heals the sick, and never changes!

And can you believe, well for those of you who know me well enough, that I actually found joy in preparing supper tonight~all organic, chopping, cutting, preparing and serving with a smile on my face and joy in my soul. And I thought to myself, "all the while I was complaining of my 70th bowl of oatmeal and more potatoes and more salad and oh, another juice, really? I just finished swallowing my last one. And oh wait, I need to take this pill and add this spoonful, and now it's time for a coffee break"...and I never had to do it myself, my mother was there taking care of me, feeding me and feeding my family. (This is a whole other story for another time, anyhow...) I am learning to like the healthiest of foods, and instead of it feeling like so much work and like I'm missing out on all the good stuff, I am finding peace and serenity in taking the time to prepare my kids lunches and snacks everywhere we go instead of choosing convenience over health. And more importantly I am realizing I am not missing anything! In fact I am getting ALL the good stuff I need and desire from God and His garden. It's still a work in progress, but to think that I used to be consumed with my looks. Funny, because I lost my hair and I'm still smiling. I have lost a lot of weight in sickness and still smiling. No more of the easiest and fastest foods; driving by instead of driving thru and still smiling. And no more pounds of chocolate in one sitting; haven't had one candy bar or ounce of chocolate since April and still smiling. This journey has really opened my eyes and my heart to what I have really been missing in my life and that is balance, believing God NO MATTER what, and singing praises of Him out loud no matter who is around and no matter what they do or don't believe! Because when my spiritual health is in order, my physical health will be too. It wasn't the good stuff I was missing, it was the God stuff!

Oh, I thought of a thousand (oops, I'm going overboard again:-)...so, I thought of at least 3-4 different stories while writing this entry, but for now just hearing my daughter who used to be just as addicted to chocolate as I was, singing "Kylee's Rawsome Healing Adventure" tonight while she looked at herself in the mirror wearing her "rawsome" t-shirt after eating a "rawsome" supper. And because I was feeling it, I showed it and sang it out loud "Hallelujah! and thank you Jesus!" And so if there were any of you wondering where we stand now and if having surgery has in any way changed anything...the only thing it has changed is that I am even more convinced than ever that we are on the right journey and that God has been with me while I waited whether I could feel Him there or not and that we are KEEPIN ON! Love and Blessings Everyone!


Tony said...

Kylee, I for one find your strength and love for God to be so inspiring. I too struggle with the why's sometimes, but have come to a conclusion that when ever I doubt or question something it's the devil making me second guess what the Lord whats from me. The lord says stuff and puts a ! behind it. The devil says stuff and puts a ? behind it. He told Eve in the garden, did God say you would surely die if you ate from the tree? He has been making people doubt God from the very beginning. I now think long and hard, if it sounds like I'm questioning the Lord I know it must be done because it is what the lord wants me to do and what the devil doesn't want me to do.
I could say God bless you, but you are truly Blessed and a true blessing to us all.

GodSaves~Keepin' On said...

Oh, Tony, I just read this very moment in Mark 9 about the boy who was possessed by the devil. And it goes on and Jesus speaks about how much longer, how many more generations will the unbelief go on! How many more times does he have to speak the word of God to His people before they believe it? I could feel Jesus' frustration in the text and it drew me nearer to Him, as it would a friend or a person I can relate with in a similar circumstance. And it also showed me how many let the devil lead their lives today and many without even realizing it. I too have been there, wondering "is this the will of God or the devil trying to get me to believe his lies?! So, that is why I am fiercely in the word and at such a time as this as I am fighting for my very survival as I do the best that I can to beat a killing disease. But I am finding that the devil wants me to believe more and more that there is nothing that can be done, that I am dying and that I should just accept that. But God has made his promise to me and my job is to grab a hold of it and BELIEVE it! Keep on~a shift is being made and we will one day rejoice in knowing that we were a part of something wonderful!