Can you feel it, yet?

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

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Oh, boy! If there is one thing that is not allowed to be said in this home it is, "it's not fair!" Oh, there are some words or things that pierce my heart but nothing like this one! I have been making charts with my kids since they were old enough to know the meaning of "no". They would consist of, PICKING UP TOYS, BRUSHING TEETH, MAKING BEDS, the typical chores, adding in HOMEWORK AND DISHES AND GARBAGE as they have gotten older and capable (the sooner they learn some of these things on their own, the easier it will be for them in the REAL WORLD). And they would be rewarded for their efforts and hard work but I even begun to look at this differently.

I have been guilty of buying my kids things because of how I was feeling or because I had a bad day and took it out on them or because they actually did something that most human beings should know how to do (age appropriate of course with the right instruction)~when did I start rewarding my kids with things like toys when they do what they are suppose to do? Ugh! Not an easy habit to break and not one I am proud of to say the least. And one day when I woke up and realized, the more that they have, the more they began to say "it's not fair!" Well, this did not sit well with me at all! So things began to change and rewards became praise and special moments together and eventually it is becoming enough.

Well, eventually the cycle became less and less but still remains a battle from time to time in this society where marketing preys on guilty parents and innocent children. So, you can only imagine my response tonight when I heard, "it's not fair" AGAIN!

You see, in my heart, just as there is always, always, always something to be thankful for, there is always, always, always someone out there worse of than we are, no matter the circumstance. Things have not always been great but they certainly haven't been bad. And I can't say that things didn't get pretty bad when I was first diagnosed with cancer, because they did. But through it all, aside from the chemo and radiation not only killing cancer cells but destroying my body in the process, I could not think of anything bad. I had enough love and support for 5 cancer patients! I even offered some of them up to patients during my radiation visits who didn't have someone there with them everyday or someone driving them to ensure they got to all their patients. In my families eyes I was all that mattered, but for me it has always been about so much more than me and what I am going through. There is more to this than me!

I know kids are kids and they don't understand things the way we do, but when they say that "it's not fair", I feel such a strong urge for them to know, that "no, it's not fair, life isn't fair in our human eyes, but ask that God would give you knew eyes to see that although it may not seem fair at times, it's pretty darn good. And although it may not seem fair and you cannot understand right now why we have asked God to take my cancer and he hasn't, LOOK around!!" He hasn't taken my cancer away from me yet, but look at all He has given me, given us! My cancer may have grown and might be growing rapidly, but the love and support that I have has grown even more rapidly and in my eyes, that is more than fair! That is amazing! That is God! Thank you Jesus...oh, I could write another whole page on the night that I wept tears of joy for all you have given me, and tears of sorrow for all that you endured, because my trials pale in comparison to your walk to the cross!