Chemo or No Chemo? Is that really the question?

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

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Another day~another doctor.  It is what it is.  So, when I met with my surgeon last week and heard the dreadful word "chemo", read my reports and saw that it was part of the plan all along, I was thrown back into a pit of despair OR did I jump back into the pit?  As I become more aware of the enemy and His schemes and who, what and when He uses His strategies to try and make me feel defeated, I am also becoming more aware of the battles and strongholds I find myself in, how I got there in the first place and more importantly how I can get out of that pit and as quickly as possible.  Well, this time was a little different because whether I was thrown into the pit, fell into the pit or jumped into the pit on my own, I was more aware than ever of what I needed to get out of that pit.  I walked into a restaurant with my husband and instead of hiding behind the emotions and stuffing the tears back, I just wept.  I didn't try to pretend to the strangers sitting around me that I was happy, that I was enjoying my moment, yet I certainly wasn't trying to spoil theirs either.  So, we ate, I cried and then we headed home.  I pulled out my Bible and before turning to scripture, I let it all out and I cried aloud to the Lord and prayed for understanding, wisdom and His peace to fall over me...and it did!  I used to carry on for hours in tears and over much less important things.  Uncontrollable worry, fear and anxiety would consume me and I would cry until I couldn't feel my body anymore!   I was quieted by His soft reminder of  "it's going to be okay, it's going to be okay."  The next two days were heavier than I expected them to be.  But I kept on seeking, I kept on knocking and I kept on asking, "Lord, just help me.  I don't even know what to say right now, just please help me to keep seeing and following you and hearing you.  Just help me to KEEP ON, Lord!"  And the next morning I woke up walking bolder, more courageous and stronger than I have ever walked on this earth before.  And that very day my eyes were opened wider, my heart was made brand new again and hope was restored again! Oh, isn't He inspiring, amazing and AWESOME?!! Yes, He is most certainly that.

So, that was a week and a half ago and today I met with another doctor who gave me some more brutally honest answers: that my cancer is a rare cancer and because it has already spread to the lymph nodes not once but twice and metastasized to the liver, there is and always will be a high risk of reoccurring cancer.    However, when we spoke of my options, there were no clear options that posed to be beneficial to me at this time. Choosing chemo at this time might "mop up" any cancer cells that could be there that they can't see, but I am not as strong going into treatment this time as I was the last time and because of the dose and length of chemo for this cancer he stated I would not feel well and lose my hair again (losing my hair of course is the painless part of it all~I have been wanting to shave it all off again anyway;-).  It would consist of weekly infusions of the same chemo "killer" as I like to call it (5FU and mytomicin) for 3 months.  And still there are no guarantees.  But there are no guarantees in life no matter what we do or don't do~we are not in control, He is, always has been and always will be. Or we can wait and "if" it reoccurs, consider chemo "if" it does.  Really the only thing that makes sense right now is to wait...if you have ever waited for anything in your life, you know how hard it is, but try waiting when your life depends on it, waiting for God to reveal HIS will, waiting for the words "you are cancer free!", waiting to hear "you are going to live" rather than "you are dying".  Waiting on the Lord is HARD stuff, but what He does in us and through us while we are waiting is AWE INSPIRING!! And my body may not be as alive as it once felt, but my spirit is more alive than it has ever been and my soul is renewed daily with His promises!  So, we are not only waiting on the Lord, but will be waiting for a scan and then we will  continue on from there.

I don't know about you and your life, but the Lord is making miracles happen in mine and I'm going to KEEP ON in Him, as hard as the work may be! If not to heal me of cancer, to heal my broken heart!  And oh, it is without a doubt a time for mending in my home right now and a time for tearing down and a time for rebuilding!  Yes, Lord, tear down these walls, strip me down to the bare essentials, Lord!  Take me out of my self-pity and place me upon your rock and into the lives of others!  You are not only healing me and my brokenness but my family is becoming whole!  We are not only becoming connected to one another we are connecting with you "together" and we are connecting with others!   Draw us nearer to you, Lord! In Jesus name rebuild these vessels of yours and let the Holy Spirit rise up within us.  Help us to walk boldly in your Name, with courage and strength that we can only boast which comes from You!  Thank you Jesus, for by your stripes we are healed, we are healed, we are healed!  In Jesus Name, I pray. Amen.


gabrielle said...

I will be keeping you in my prayers strong mama! Love and hugs, Gabrielle

Gem said...

I have been meaning to read your blog for sometime now... tonight I finally made it here. I think that I will be spending alot of time here, reading your story, as far back as it goes. I want to know your story, feel your pain and share your tears. I can't even imagine what it feels like to be you. Your writing is incrediable and such a gift. It's a blessing to others, to show them what God does for you, what He can do for us all when we choose to fall on our knees and seek Him. I just met you this year, and still barely know you, yet I feel like I have loved you all my life. I am scared to continue reading, because I know my heart is going to break at all of your pain and suffering, yet I know that I will be drawn here, just as I am drawn to you... because it is for God we are together, and He wants me here supporting you. <3

Anonymous said...

Well, I am just now catching up Kylee. I am sorry about that. I wish you were on caringbridge so I could get automatic updates. I am so encouraged by your post. I am waiting too and lately have felt so sad by it. How long with this season last? God continues to hold me steady while I'm waiting. It is beautiful how strong He is and how fragile I am. Thank you for espressing what I cannot so eloquently. - Nadjia