Better Days

Sunday, August 8, 2010

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Oh, I sure do miss the old energizer bunny version of me. I feel as though my spirit has been drowned with juices and bored to death with oatmeal and potatoes! But even in those feelings of drowning and near bursts of cursing at the potent blandness of the oatmeal, I know that the most important spirit of all is still very much alive within and He is my portion, my strong tower, my deliverer. I am weak, tired, sore and at times barely holding on...I never felt this way during the chemo and radiation...well, yes I was physically weak ,tired, sore and ill but my mind was not capable of thinking, choosing or deligating. It was so heavily sedated that I was not aware of more than the very moment. Whether the moment was of how to turn over from one sore hip to another, how to pry myself from the bed to feet on the floor and make it to the bathroom, or simply how to take my next drink and whether it would stay down or not. I did not cry during chemo and radiation. This therapy is so very different and so much harder! I can hear, see, feel, taste, and am VERY aware of everything and everyone going on around me. While so very thankful to not be so sick and sedated, the energizer side of me is in constant battle with the healing side of me. In order for healing to take place I must remain in a state of peace and restfulness. Well, after spending day after day resting, my mind is ready to run a marathon and lace up those skates, but my body argues the obvious by my extreme weightloss and consistent pain from flare ups. I promise even if I feel good and strong and full of energy I won't do anything I shouldn't be...ummmhmmm...heard that one many times before. I am just disciplined enough to do this alternative therapy but not enough to sit, sit, sit and sit some more...nope...just not how I was created! But boy, God sure is giving me a lesson on exactly how He created me and He seems pretty determined to see me through until I get it! And how I would love to say, "I get it Lord, I get it", but I just don't. There is so much about all of this that I just don't get...and ya, I know, I'm not meant to. This has all been a lot harder than I ever imagined. Every day and each moment is a constant memo to self "this too shall pass". I just wonder what part of it will different times on different days I think that an old way has been shed and then there are days I have nothing but cravings whether they are for food, activity, entertainment, or just good old laughter that doesn't cause pain. I feel as though the serpent is slithering around inside...big sigh...going to have some more tea and prepare myself for another day of the same story, but holding onto hope and those smiling faces that I get to wake up to every morning and kiss good night every night! Sure has not been easy but I sure have been blessed. Dear Lord, I know that I am struggling with conversing with you about the things that leave me in bondage. While you are making me aware of what some of those things are, please help me through the other "stuff". I pray Lord, for my Mom, who comes every morning with a smile on her face, come hell or high water, she portrays Godly love, no matter the circumstances. Oh, Father I have known your peace. I have known your love, your faithfulness and your truth! Help me to change the things I can, to accept the things I can't and the wisdom to know the difference! I am trying to get back to that dwelling place of yours, Lord. These chains need to be broken, Lord and I know you are willing and able to set me free. I am just not sure what is holding me back~please reveal to me these areas in which I remain that must be dealt with. Thank you, Father God for all the good that has come of this and help me to KEEP ON! In your mighty and healing name, I pray, Amen.