HE is how I KEEP ON!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

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The doctors, my mother, my friends, and family and even myself say, "rest, Kylee. Get some sleep Kylee." Well, one would think that after spending 8 days in the hospital, and still with a very low white blood count and fighting a cold that is exactly what I would be doing~however, if I were relying on my flesh and my humaness and my actual circumstances in the physical realm I would have no other choice but to rest. The Lord gave me 8 days to rest and now He is prompting me to KEEP ON! And so this is when I completely and wholeheartedly rely on Him to take the steering wheel and guide me. 

This is how the Lord has been prompting me and these are some of the conversations Him and I have been having, as well as how He has been providing! Oh, I can't even contain myself right now and the day hasn't even begun! Okay, so two days ago I was sitting in the infusion center getting my fluid infusion and waiting for results on my blood work to see where we are at and perhaps where we are heading.  I was so resistant to go because I had been in the hospital for 8 days and have had to return there every day even after returning home, to get my fluids and a shot to boost my wbc (white blood count).  Like, I've said before, I may appear willing on the outside but very often I am going kicking and screaming on the inside and this is one of those times! I simply wanted to be home with my kids to make up for lost time and just did not want to be exposed to what may be lurking around a hospital that I might not be able to fight given my low blood count and the fight has been brutal enough thus far.  Anyway, I get there and this nurse, let's call her Hope for privacy's sake, says to me "you know, we can get you set up at home to do this so you don't have to be coming in everyday unless you need the shot to boost your wbc and we will check that today."  Well, Hope has been on top of it and cared from day one! She had been a huge help from behind the scenes the first time around and I remembered a moment from my hospital bed at the Gibson Pavilion 2 years ago when she came in, although not assigned to my case, just to see how I was doing and now here she is caring for me and making all the difference in my care this time around. (I was set up at home the very next day and was even showed how to unhook myself from fluid infusion and flush my port myself!)

And this was the beginning of my three day conversation with the Lord about "what have I done to deserve to be so blessed?!"  Praise you, Father! I will proclaim your Name and your works forever!  His response to this was so gentle as He smiled, and said, "Just keep on, Kylee." And this is when and how I find rest.  So, I continued onto the infusion center where I was not wanting to go and sit amongst a room full of germs~it's not the people I didn't want to be surrounded by because I enjoy being in a room full of people, watching, listening, learning and loving. This was just not one of those times I wanted to risk being exposed to anything more. But once again the Lord nudged me ever so gently and lifted one foot in front of the other for me and led the way. When the nurse said "follow me," I did not go kicking and screaming, I just went and let God lead the way with His armour of protection around me. And He led me straight into a private room! "Really, Lord, really? You are hooking me up today and I am not only in awe of you, I am so thankful that I can't even contain myself right now!" And so I asked the nurse, questioning perhaps, "am I going to stay in here?" Thinking maybe I was just going to sit there for a shot or something and then move out into the room with everyone else. "Yup, it's all yours." And I was so excited I just yelped, "God is hooking me up today!" I think she felt confident enough with that statement that I was all set for the duration I would be there. Which brings me to yet two more blessings in a matter of minutes~it was like a flood gate had been released and they were pouring in! This is the only kind of flood I know of that you can stay afloat in! Since my previous infusions had been taking close to 3 hours I came prepared with my computer, my Bible and a notebook for connecting, reading and some writing. And then the first thing that pops up on my computer is a song that a friend had posted~a song that was also sent to me during my first round of treatments and again now. "In Christ Alone"~and so I knew in this very moment of already being lifted so high I could feel His hand reaching down, I needed to share this and His love and His Mighty Mighty name with anyone and everyone who might see or hear! So, I attempted to play it, but would not open, so instead I reposted it on my Facebook Wall and sent it out~knowing He would get it to where it needed to go.  So now, after being there about an hour, thinking I had about 2 more to go I thought I might close my eyes or do some reading and for some reason I happened to look up and my bag of fluids was empty! It had only been one hour!  I began to question, "did she forget to hook me up? No, I saw her do it. What? How did that happen?" And just then she walked by and said "I thought you might be done," so I asked why it went so fast? And she said "often, as long as the person is healthy enough and their medi-port (the piece inserted under my skin into my vein where all my infusions and blood draws are done rather than being poked a thousand times) works well, we just run it straight through without using the pump."  Well, add that to my list of blessings in this Holy hour! And this gave me 2 more hours with two of my favorite girls as we returned to the comforts of HOME:-)

I have to tell you the enemy aimed, shot and fired a flaming arrow my way before leaving the hospital that day~this is something I am learning more and more~that where the Lord is working hard, Satan is working even harder at trying to recapture a saved soul! Where blessings are being poured out, he is trying to snatch them away. Before I left I needed to get my blood count to see if I needed the shot or not. This left me a little confused because my wbc was 2.6 (still low) but not going to do the shot.  I had to ask "what determines me getting it or not getting it although my count is still low" and I was told "if your next round of chemo were starting soon you would get the shot, but you aren't starting for 2 more weeks."  And there He was, the enemy in all His glory~well, so He thought;-) I didn't think too much of this or the time frame that had been given, but then once I got home and after a conversation with a woman the Lord sent to me last year, the wheels began to turn, my breaks went on and then there was another floodgate! "Two more weeks? That's it?! How is that far enough away to not be getting the shot to boost my counts? Father, I am so tired, I am so confused. They said I am not starting soon, but how is two weeks NOT soon?!!" This time it was a flood gate of things I have learned, things I know, things I believe, and things I don't know, that nobody knows, the wanting to just be done with it all, the thankfulness it has all happened, the blessings that have been poured out, the miracles that are happening, the lives that it's touching...there isn't enough time to share all that ran through my mind in this moment. The difference between the floods that come now and the ones that used to come gushing over me is that now they are more like beautiful waterfall or like one of those days when it's raining but the sun is still shining~rather than a dam being released, knocking me down and crushing my body and spirit.  So, I simply allowed the release to take place and come to find out  it was just another wall being knocked down! The flaming arrows cannot get through the Lord's armour that protects me.  He can certainly try to stir the pot and He will but nothing will ever brew because the Holy Spirit dwells in me and He is all around me and has drawn the enemy lines around my house and my family and they are not getting in~they cannot survive where they are not welcome! "And as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!" This my friends, is when those new pair of eyes are given and our vision is no longer blurred, and our heart is opened, yes even more! And our hope, love and faith is renewed and our mind, body and spirit is restored! This my friends is Jesus! This is the Holy Spirit! This is God! Keeping His promises, never forsaking us but showing us how to live and KEEP ON!

So, I cried a few tears, shared a few thoughts because somewhere in that moment of mixed emotions, it hit me that two weeks might not seem soon to the rest of the world but when you are facing these kinds of decisions under the given circumstances, it feels like right now! And so the day went on and ended much the way it had begun~blessed, blessed and even more blessed:-) Some decisions were made, others were prayed upon and the rest was simply handed over to the Lord because NO MATTER what, only He knows the outcome and only He knows what's best and that is once again what I choose to rely on right now and two weeks from now.  Many things will change between now and then and even in the next hour, but one thing that NEVER changes is HE who is mighty to save and where my strength comes from. Because of Him and for Him, I am KEEPIN ON!

On day three, I once again asked..."Lord, I thank you but, what have I done to be so blessed?!" And He simply but so powerfully responded with a great big smile, a smile that you can feel! I had gotten a message while in the hospital from a friend that I went to highschool with and shared some classes with, but never really hung out with or did much with. I just remember him being a smart, fun and good person and enjoyed whatever time I did spend with him. There is a story behind this friend and an amazing one at that, but I will need to share that after I spend some time with him on Saturday! I have not seen him since school nor do I know what his life has been like since then. But what I do know is that it has not been easy to say the least, not what him or his family ever would have thought it to be, but that he has been showing us how to KEEP ON no matter what our circumstances are! When his message came to me and he told me he was going to be in the area this weekend and wanted to visit, oh I cried tears of joy and excitement! The Lord has given me so many people, so many ways out of my turmoil and illness and sadness at times that I am not only going to get to reconnect with someone I once knew a little and finally get to know more, he is going to bring a reality, a love and one more reason to my family to KEEP ON! You see, what happened to this man although different events that caused his tragic accident, left him with something in common with a man that my son knows about because of his interest in hockey: Travis Roy. What they have in common is that in a blink of an eye their lives were changed and all the things that we take for granted on a daily basis and even things that we love and enjoy or don't even like doing was robbed from them. But they have shown the world, that you don't have to be able to do what everyone else can do to LIVE and KEEP ON! And so my family is going to get to meet a man on Saturday (and are you ready for this? He was also willing and planning on going to a hockey game of my son's that was scheduled last minute at the Travis Roy arena this weekend!~who said God's timing isn't perfect timing?! However, the game was taken off the schedule as quickly as it was added. Unfortunate for the people and children this man could have blessed at a most opportune time, although he did not play hockey, he lives the life that a hockey player we all know about lives today~and although he will not get to bless those people we will share our blessings just by telling of his story and how he has changed us!) He is not just someone we have watched on tv or know about or read about and pray for who has touched countless lives, but someone they can talk to, touch and see with their very own eyes. And when my son, who has been sharing some hard feelings of fear about hospitals and me going back to one, said to me "Mom, when is your friend coming to visit us?" as I am typing to that very friend unbeknowest to my son~I said "what prompted you to ask me that right now?!" And he said "because I am excited." I just knew this was just another hook up from God! I had been worrying about my son's sadness and wondering what all that has been happening to me has been doing to him and how to handle it~I knew that in order to help him I need to show him other people who face challenges every day just like we do, make it through. So, without any hesitation I continued clicking away and confirmed how to get my friend into our home, when he would arrive and when we could thank him for blessing me and my family before he has even shown up! God is good! And so if you are thinking you have it rough right now, or things aren't going the way you planned or wanted them to, or if you are even simply disliking the circumstances which you find yourself in or don't like the cards that you have been dealt, stay tuned for a reminder that will NEVER allow you to feel this way again, at least not long enough for it to make a difference taking you in the wrong direction, but will be a reminder that will keep you KEEPIN ON!


Laurie at Turner Farm said...

Kylee ~ I LOVE this post. Although I have not gone through the extreme health challenges, I have experienced the depth of God's Love and the depths of despair without that love. I can relate to so much of your testimony, through my own journey discovering that Love and discovering the Strength of Satan's desire. God started off with a gentle whisper, and after being ignored too many times and for too long, brought me to my knees. I spent many hours, days on my knees. Turning it over to him, not trusting, taking it back as I had to be the one in control. What Amazing Grace when I finally learned to trust. Your testimony touches my soul ~ Thank you sweet girl ~ KEEP ON!! xoxo Love you