"The Beautiful Truth" Trailer (Dr. Max Gerson Alternative Cancer Therapy)

Chemo or No Chemo? Is that really the question?

Another day~another doctor.  It is what it is.  So, when I met with my surgeon last week and heard the dreadful word "chemo", read my reports and saw that it was part of the plan all along, I was thrown back into a pit of despair OR did I jump back into the pit?  As I become more aware of the enemy and His schemes and who, what and when He uses His strategies to try and make me feel defeated, I am also becoming more aware of the battles and strongholds I find myself in, how I got there in the first place and more importantly how I can get out of that pit and as quickly as possible.  Well, this time was a little different because whether I was thrown into the pit, fell into the pit or jumped into the pit on my own, I was more aware than ever of what I needed to get out of that pit.  I walked into a restaurant with my husband and instead of hiding behind the emotions and stuffing the tears back, I just wept.  I didn't try to pretend to the strangers sitting around me that I was happy, that I was enjoying my moment, yet I certainly wasn't trying to spoil theirs either.  So, we ate, I cried and then we headed home.  I pulled out my Bible and before turning to scripture, I let it all out and I cried aloud to the Lord and prayed for understanding, wisdom and His peace to fall over me...and it did!  I used to carry on for hours in tears and over much less important things.  Uncontrollable worry, fear and anxiety would consume me and I would cry until I couldn't feel my body anymore!   I was quieted by His soft reminder of  "it's going to be okay, it's going to be okay."  The next two days were heavier than I expected them to be.  But I kept on seeking, I kept on knocking and I kept on asking, "Lord, just help me.  I don't even know what to say right now, just please help me to keep seeing and following you and hearing you.  Just help me to KEEP ON, Lord!"  And the next morning I woke up walking bolder, more courageous and stronger than I have ever walked on this earth before.  And that very day my eyes were opened wider, my heart was made brand new again and hope was restored again! Oh, isn't He inspiring, amazing and AWESOME?!! Yes, He is most certainly that.

So, that was a week and a half ago and today I met with another doctor who gave me some more brutally honest answers: that my cancer is a rare cancer and because it has already spread to the lymph nodes not once but twice and metastasized to the liver, there is and always will be a high risk of reoccurring cancer.    However, when we spoke of my options, there were no clear options that posed to be beneficial to me at this time. Choosing chemo at this time might "mop up" any cancer cells that could be there that they can't see, but I am not as strong going into treatment this time as I was the last time and because of the dose and length of chemo for this cancer he stated I would not feel well and lose my hair again (losing my hair of course is the painless part of it all~I have been wanting to shave it all off again anyway;-).  It would consist of weekly infusions of the same chemo "killer" as I like to call it (5FU and mytomicin) for 3 months.  And still there are no guarantees.  But there are no guarantees in life no matter what we do or don't do~we are not in control, He is, always has been and always will be. Or we can wait and "if" it reoccurs, consider chemo "if" it does.  Really the only thing that makes sense right now is to wait...if you have ever waited for anything in your life, you know how hard it is, but try waiting when your life depends on it, waiting for God to reveal HIS will, waiting for the words "you are cancer free!", waiting to hear "you are going to live" rather than "you are dying".  Waiting on the Lord is HARD stuff, but what He does in us and through us while we are waiting is AWE INSPIRING!! And my body may not be as alive as it once felt, but my spirit is more alive than it has ever been and my soul is renewed daily with His promises!  So, we are not only waiting on the Lord, but will be waiting for a scan and then we will  continue on from there.

I don't know about you and your life, but the Lord is making miracles happen in mine and I'm going to KEEP ON in Him, as hard as the work may be! If not to heal me of cancer, to heal my broken heart!  And oh, it is without a doubt a time for mending in my home right now and a time for tearing down and a time for rebuilding!  Yes, Lord, tear down these walls, strip me down to the bare essentials, Lord!  Take me out of my self-pity and place me upon your rock and into the lives of others!  You are not only healing me and my brokenness but my family is becoming whole!  We are not only becoming connected to one another we are connecting with you "together" and we are connecting with others!   Draw us nearer to you, Lord! In Jesus name rebuild these vessels of yours and let the Holy Spirit rise up within us.  Help us to walk boldly in your Name, with courage and strength that we can only boast which comes from You!  Thank you Jesus, for by your stripes we are healed, we are healed, we are healed!  In Jesus Name, I pray. Amen.

In Christ Alone

Reflecting back a week ago...Monday November 8, 2010

 In a nutshell...I am in AWE of the LORD!  I'm not sure I can even begin to share in writing how he is connecting the dots, how I am witnessing His kingdom grow right before my very eyes and even taking place in my own home! Did I really just have a conversation with my husband, who did the story telling, about God's Word and men of the Bible?  Did I really just hear him speak of his own God signs that his eyes are opening to?  Did we just sit down and talk and I actually listened more than spoke and all the while inside my mind I was shouting, "YES LORD! YES! THANK YOU JESUS!"?  I will remember this night and the chains of childhood bondage that carried on over into adult bondage, were broken and instead of seeing a bad circumstance as bad or against us, today's events and tonight's finale left nothing but GOOD to see and GOOD to come.

This man that I sat down with was not the man I married, he is so much more! He was no longer hiding behind the hurt, the pain, the disappointment and was no longer afraid of being "left behind!"  He knows who his Savior is, where he is spending eternity and where his riches will be stored up in.  No, he will not be left behind, he will be KEEPIN ON!  I cannot wait to see how his story continues to unfold and to hear more of his testimony.  He has an amazing testimony!  And so as I have been doing for 3 years, I continue to pray for him and one verse comes to mind that I have been praying is Ephesians 1:17 and now I add 2 Timothy to that prayer!  That he would walk boldly in his faith and share his story of courage and perseverance because it's an inspiring one!  Oh, yes, I will grow old with him because the best is yet to be! And all for the glory of God!

To the man I married: you are the chosen one and I will be right here beside you as you begin your very own journey into healing.  "I love you way too much" and I can't quite express how much peace and comfort and  rest it brings me to know we will not only being living out our days on this earth together, but that we will have all of eternity to make up for what was stolen from us while here.  Now, if I may...go out into this world and tell them of your story, do not be discouraged or afraid for the Lord your God is with you where ever you go! And speak of your faith, what God has done in you and for you and through you!  You have a special story to share and I plan on being around to hear it! Keep on my love, keep on! MUAH!

My Hope Comes from the Lord!

Although my flesh appears fragile, feels beaten and tired; my soul is well! All praise and glory be to my Savior, who lifts me up out of pits, places my feet on solid ground, and carries me through another day♥ There is no other that is never-changing and always loving! I pray that you open your heart and let Him rise you out of your deepest worries, fears and sorrows and that you too will keep on and be well♥

The last one for awhile...

This was the last entry that I was able to write before the "it can't get much worse", got worse.  However, since surgery I have had some familiar and not so friendly reminders of this time, as my body is either rejecting or simply working overtime to repair itself. Either way it lead me back to these entries and left me with more of a willingness to share.  It's helped me to put my current situation into perspective but more thank anything it has opened my eyes to the ways the Lord has revealed Himself to me and through me and when I am asked, "do you have any regrets?" I can say with conviction, "absolutely not! My life may be full of pain and suffering, but never before have I been more blessed!" Draw nearer to Him.  Letting go is not giving up, it's letting God and I am finding letting God is a lot easier than striving to do it on my own:-)

Thursday May 7, 2009~
 Radiation has started to effect my bladder and urethra which means constant frequency to go pee (my middle school friends will remember this reference~I really could use those depends~LOL). I had another shaking/chills attack 2 nights ago. This one was a little different~left a tingling sensation in my legs making it hard to move them which caused some internal anxiety (something that has begun to feel like a norm b/c I often find my mind wandering to the 'what if's' and all the unknowns of how my body will heal and function after treatment). So, once I snapped out of that exhausting moment I was able to eat some noodle soup and raisin toast. I wish I could say I slept good but the having to get up so often to go to the bathroom doesn't really qualify as a good night to me.  Not sure what the other reason is right now for being up but it's 1:30am Friday morning and I'm not sleeping! Sometimes I just want to sleep through all of this!

Well, today I spent the day with my girls~ Miss Anna Ruby and Lily-Bug. They took me to treatment which took extra long today. I met with the nurses and my doctor today briefly about the infection that they are treating me for. Because of the effects radiation is starting to have on all my organs in that area we are keeping a close eye on skin irritations, urinating issues etc...on Monday I had a urine test done which came back positive for infection~treating it as an UTI. Also had an internal exam~was not quite as bad as I was sweating it would be. From the internal exam the doctor believes that the tumor has shrunk about 25% in width. It's still the same in length, which is basically u-shaped and so close to the urethra that as we narrow in on the field of radiation there will likely be more effects to the urethra and bladder but my doctor and nurses are working right beside me every step, every infection and every process of the way! So no matter the discomfort or pain that comes and goes I feel secure in the hands, expertise and compassion of my medical team~no doubt in my mind a heavenly intervention:-)

Today during treatment I started on my back and Dr. Jones narrowed in on some fields dealing with my lymph nodes in my groin.  He said that my left lymph node is smaller which means that it's responding to treatment. He also mentioned that during our next meeting on next Tuesday we will be setting up an MRI to see how effective treatment has been so far on the tumor and hopefully other areas. After I finished treatment on my lymph nodes I flipped over to my new position on my stomach (where I will be for the next 8 treatments). This is a lot less comfortable and a little concerned how it's going to work after I have the pump hooked back up to the medi-port on Monday~but I have a great team so I rest assured we can rig up something to get me through a little more comfortably.


I was finally given a burn cream to apply to all of 'down there', from front to back, where the skin has broken down and opened up. It's not only "sunburned" but opened up and sore, so now it's like I'm applying frosting to my less appealing areas on my body, but it seems to be working and helping with the soreness and stinging itchiness. I am just trying to keep up my strength and keep my anxiety at bay for my next round of Chemo. Oh ya and for all those who thought I might get away w/o losing my hair, it has started to thin...lost some today...and that too I will take one day at a time. I'm not great, but I'm okay.  And after reading the book of Job in my Bible and was reminded of the trials that the Lord put him to the test with, I was reassured of His promises and reminded that He works for the good of those who love Him...and Job... there's an amazing person and an amazing story!

3 Down 4 to go~I can do this!

 Friday, May 1, 2009 12:56 PM, EDT
So I am at the end of week 3! 4 more weeks to go! Gosh these doctors know their stuff: "week 3 you will start to feel the local effects~sores,blisters,skin peeling,sunburn,uncomfortable to sit or lay down." Oh yes, they were right on! My mouth has started to heal and I have managed to eat and talk normal today but the sores and pain has just moved out of there and has taken up residency in another area-oh do I have to say the word??? Vagina and anus~ugh!  This is real so might as well keep it that way. There's no good way to describe the affects of cancer and the side affects that treatment has on the body.  There I said it, now we can move on~phew!

Today I spent the morning relaxing with my kiddos. Joey just loves Fridays~no school~no rush~no demands~just us being us and being the way we love to be; comfy cozy at home with each other. We colored and they played candy store while I got dressed and ready for my last treatment of the week! I never looked forward to the weekends as I do now! Two days off! Yay!!! My old friend Jean from when I used to work at Tri-County came to visit and took me to my appt and to run a few errands~that was lovely! She has signed herself up to take me every Friday~what a great treat! And before I forget I spent the day yesterday with my Aunt Laurie (the chef) and my cousin Katie who was thrilled to get a free get out of school day! That was a very special and relaxing day and can't wait to see them again. Much love and thank you for all you did!!

So, now I am going to lay down so I can work up the energy to decorate some of my own sock creations. The kids decorated some new ones for me this morning so I will wear those Mon and Tue next week during treatment. Always a way to make it fun! God Bless